In an effort to share with the gentle reader what military life is like, I thought to write about our latest PCS (permanent change of station) move that we had the pleasure of experiencing this past summer. The life of a Soldier and his/her family is unique, to say the least, and my heart goes out to those married to your Soldiers, Marines, Sailors, Airmen, and Coastguardsmen for the sacrifices they and their children make, in both peace and war. What follows is a brief description of our 4th PCS move since 2001. Part I can be found here, Part II here.
After moving a dozen or so bags, four kids and two dogs into our hotel suite, I naturally sat down on the sofa and opened a cold beer. Before Castaway Conner could inquire about room service and Renegade Ryan could ask about the pool, the Lovely and Talented and Downright Sexy Mrs. Hook spoke…
The Lovely and Talented and Downright Sexy Mrs. Hook: We have to go clean the house.
Hook: blink, blink, blink…I thought we did that last week before the movers came?
TLATADRSMH: blink, blink, blink
Hook: Anyway honey, that house is CLEAN (sipping that cold beer).
TLATADRSMH: I want our gottdamned deposit back.
Hook: blink, blink, blink
TLATADRSMH: (hands on shapely hips) silent stare.
Hook: Me too, where’s the mop?
So we spent several more hours cleaning, scrubbing, painting those places ordinarily hidden by furniture. Until the lovely and talented and downright sexy Mrs. Hook was satisfied that we’d get our deposit back.
TLATADRSMH: We better get every penny of that deposit back. This house is 100 times cleaner than when we moved in.
Hook: I hope so.
TLATADRSMH: blink, blink, blink
Hook: We better get every penny of that deposit back.
So I called the property manager to confirm that we were to meet the following morning for the final inspection of the house.
Receptionist: Acme Properties, how can I help you?
Hook: Hi, My name is Hook, your tenant at 107 Lostmy Way.
Receptionist: Yes?
Hook: Good afternoon. I’m calling to confirm our final inspection tomorrow morning.
Receptionist: When is your final inspection sir?
Hook: Tomorrow morning at 8:00 am.
Receptionist: Tomorrow?
Hook: Yes.
Receptionist: What time tomorrow sir?
Hook: blink, blink, blink
Receptionist: Sir?
Hook: 8:00 am.
Receptionist: I’m sorry sir, but Mr. Slumlord won’t be in tomorrow.
Hook: Well, can someone else come out and do the final inspection?
Receptionist: When would you like to do the final inspection sir?
Hook: blink, blink, blink
Receptionist: Sir?
Hook: Look, I mailed in a letter of intent to terminate our lease and a copy of my PCS orders over a month ago as per the instructions outlined in our lease, and asked specifically for a final inspection on tomorrow’s date.
Receptionist: Are you military sir?
Hook: Yes.
Receptionist: Sir, if you’re military, you must send a copy of your PCS orders along with a letter of intent to terminate the lease no later than 30-days before the day you wish to have the final inspection.
Hook: blink, blink, blink
Receptionist: Is there anything else I can help you with sir?
Hook: When will Mr. Slumlord be back in the office?
Receptionist: Monday.
Hook: blink, blink, blink
TLATADRSH: Hello,this is Mrs. Hook, we can’t wait unti Monday, we have to drive to an undisclosed location with two dogs, four kids, and a trailer full of crap because the Army has directed us to pick up and move again, like a bunch of gypsies, to serve this nation, and defend you and your family and we followed all of your gottdamned instructions by mailing in the required documents within the ridiculous timeline that you outlined in the small print on the last page of the 22-page lease and cleaned and repaired this shithole beyond the condition it has ever been in and we’re not going to stay cooped up in an overpriced hotel with two dogs and four kids while paying for a rental trailer any gottdamned longer than we have to.
Hook: blink, blink, blink
Receptionist: blink, blink, blink
TLATADRSMH: What’s it gonna be?
Receptionist: I will call Mr. Slumlord and see if he can’t make it in tomorrow and get right back with you.
TLATADRSMH: Thank you.
Hook: We told her.
TLATADRSMH: blink, blink, blink
Several minutes later my cell phone rang.
Hook: Hello?
Receptionist: May I speak with Mr. Hook please?
Hook: You’re speaking with Mr. Hook.
Receptionist: Sir, is your wife there?
Hook: Ah, no she’s walking one of the dogs.
Receptionist: Good. Sir, I spoke with Mr. Slumlord and he said that he’ll be more than happy to meet you for your final inspection at 8:00 am on Monday.
Hook: blink, blink, blink
Receptionist: click
TLATADRSMH: Was that the property manager?
Hook: blink, blink, blink
After an extended vacation in our hotel suite, with two dogs and four boys, I met with Mr. Slumlord on Monday morning at 8:42 am. He walked in, grunted, looked up, glanced left, stopped at the foot of the stairs, careened his neck and peered up to the second floor landing, walked to the kitchen, grunted, turned a light switch on, turned it off, grunted again.
Hook: We replaced all of the blinds as the old ones were yellow from smoke stain, I guess the previous tenants smoked. We also replaced the light fixtures and put in the ceiling fan and shampoo’d the carpet.
Mr. Slumlord: We’re replacing the carpet, it’s a good 20 years old.
Hook: You’re replacing the carpet? But we requested that the carpet be replaced six months ago because it was so old and and dusty and moldy and my son Typhoon Tyler of Trieste suffers tremendously from dust and mold allergies and you told us that it was too expensive to replace and suggested we have it professionally cleaned, which we did by the way.
Mr. Slumlord: blink, blink, blink
Hook: So how about our deposit?
Mr. Slumlord: We’ll mail you a check. Minus the cost of having the carpet professionally cleaned of course.
Hook: blink, blink, blink…we don’t have an address for you to mail it to.
Mr. Slumlord: Just call the receptionist and give her your forwarding address when you get one.
Hook: Look you fat bastard, I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with your bullshit and your dumbass receptionist and your ridiculously absurd requirements and unwillingness to cooperate with us. We’ve gone the extra mile to clean this shithole and have spent hundreds of dollars on improvements, I want my deposit, ALL of it, today!
Mr. Slumlord: blink, blink, blink
Hook: I’m about to pick up my phone and call the base housing referral office and have Acme Properties blacklisted from renting even a dog house to Soldiers and then I’m calling the IRS to suggest they check your books considering your penchant for accepting rent payments in cash only!
Mr. Slumlord: blink, blink, blink
Hook: I’ll just have my wife come to your office to discuss this further.
Mr. Slumlord: Cash OK?
Twenty minutes later we were on the road to our new undisclosed location. Stay tuned for Part IV of our PCS move. Sgt Hook out.
Posted by Hook @ 0157 zulu | | Permalink
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